Absolutely nothing.
Just scared that I’m not a good person especially to people around me — friends and family. I sense a hint of it occasionally while interacting with my friends.
I’m so terrible at being a friend (I believe so), but same time I want to be one of the great friends they ever met. But there’s a deep seated fear that if I be my true self, that I will be the worst friend they ever met.
I fear I have the potential of being a backstabber to them but at same time I feel some sort of great love towards them. The kind of love that would break my heart the way romantic love should break one’s heart.
I often wonder how they perceive me? How much of my fuck-upped personality (life) do they despise and wish to get rid of?
I have constantly doubted my ability to even tell when they’re possibly wrong over something that involves me. I always convince myself how it is 90% possible that I might be the one who lacks the intelligence (understanding) of my wrong in the situation. How I’m being the unreasonable one.
Honestly, I’m even tired of being the kind of person that I am. What am I even? Jesus Christ! I don’t even know. I’m constantly drifting through life. Nothing tangible to offer to people around me. And at same time, I’m a terrible person.
I withdraw from them so often as a means of holding back the evil in me from manifesting.
I’m tired of me.
